Amway Is A Shitty Experience

Thanks to Matty for sharing his Amway story!

Matty here. Although I haven't "caught up" yet (I'm reading this blog from beginning to end), I just can't wait to participate any longer! So here's my first Amway story

A little background, first: in 1999, I was managing a little store at the Riverchase Galleria in Birmingham, Alabama. The "store" (it was actually more of a walk-in kiosk) was called "Successories". (If you worked in any corporate environment in the 90s, you probably saw some of the products on the walls: A nice picture with some "Motivational" bullshit quote below - I think the company still exists, but I don't think they have any stores anymore - I was 25 at the time).

Anyway, in '99, I was plotting to buy the store I managed. (We were the smallest store in our franchise, and our owner was based in St. Louis and had stores in Missouri and Kansas and ours was VERY far away, so our franchise owner was willing to sell). Now, due the very nature of the product I was selling, plus the fact that the store was in the middle of mall, I found myself engaged in conversations with passers-by on an almost daily basis - "Gee, it must be hard to NOT stay positive surrounded by all THIS stuff" is what I heard most commonly. And, believe it or not, I made some friends and even some contacts just from chatting with people. (In fact, the franchise owner wanted to sell to me for $150,000 and just through meeting people this way, I'd already put together $60,000 towards my ambition to buy the store)...and then THEY came.

One night, this *seemingly* very nice couple showed up and struck up a conversation. (Again, this was NOT unusual). I honestly can't remember what we chatted about, but I'm POSITIVE I talked about trying to buy the store. At one point, the lady said, "We help people start their own business". This got me VERY excited, as I thought, "THESE just might be the people that put me 'over the top'!" So I agreed to meet with them at their house the following week. (Once again, this was NOT unusual for me - I had already raised some $$ in the same manner). So enough of "background",!

So I go to their house with GREAT anticipation. I arrive and we all sit down at their dining-room table to talk. They offered me a choice of cranberry juice or something else I can't recall (this was almost 20 years ago, after all), so I opted for the cranberry. As the lady brought my glass to me, she informed me (with WAAAY too much excitement) that, "We get this from our business!"

Now, I WISH I could say that this was the 1st Red Flag, but I was so anxious to buy this stupid store that I just thought, "Well, maybe they're Importer/Exporters like Art Vandalay from 'Seinfeld'" (Again, I was 25, and 25-year-old guys are morons).

Anyway, I honestly don't remember what we talked about, but I DO know that I was there for a solid two hours! Right around the 1:15 mark, he started drawing circles. Those GOD DAMN CIRCLES! "And the 'umbrella' Company at HEART of this...is...AMWAY!", he said. My heart SANK. Even though it was a long time ago, this I DO recall: the WAY he said "Amway" was especially nauseating. It was part flourish/ part "1984" when Winston Smith flashed a look of optimism/admiration/glee when Big Brother was mentioned (HOW FITTING!).

Before I get to the FUNNY (just stick around, it's gonna get FUNNY) I'll go to the ANGER: These assholes KNEW - they fucking KNEW - that my ONLY desire was to buy the store I was managing - they KNEW IT - because that is PRECISELY what I told them when I met them in the mall! AND THEY DIDN'T CARE! ASSHOLES! SCAM ARTISTS!!!!

Now for the funny part: Now I know I've gone into FAR more detail than is needed, but I thought it was necessary, lest someone try to say that it's not true. I ASSURE you everything I have said, and am about to say, is 100% TRUE: As I said, about 1:15 into this "meeting", he drew the damn circles, so I IMMEDIATELY started plotting my escape. So I explained that my ambitions were to buy the store I was managing and wasn't interested in anything else. So, of course, I had to "mentally spar" with him for a good 45 minutes while trying to get out of there.

Well, for about the last 30 minutes I was there, I began feeling a...disturbance in my stomach. I HAD to get out of there, because something very, VERY bad was going to happen, very, VERY soon. And as much as I disliked these people at this point, I am EXTREMELY shy about causing ARMAGEDDON in some strangers' bathroom. So I got the hell out, and began heading home. Now, right down the street from their house was a Circle K - BUT - I have a TERRIBLE fear of gas station restrooms - so I thought I'd try to make it home (I lived about 30 minutes away). So I passed.
WELL, in order to get home, I had to take I-459. And then it started to rain. And I mean, the kind of rain that would provoke people into building goddamn ARKS. Just to give you an idea how hard the rain was: any normal day, if you are on I-459 in Birmingham, if you are not travelling at LEAST 75 mph, your ass WILL get run over. That night, I was going 35. I could hardly see, it was raining so hard. And as I'm poking down I-459, well, the only way I can describe the pain in my stomach is this: it felt like a giant hand was grasping my stomach as HARD AS IT COULD for a couple minutes, and then let go. RELIEF! And then the pain would return for a couple minutes. And then go away...It went on like this until I reached my exit off the interstate - and there's a gas station - CLOSED! So I continue on, with The Pain coming and receding, coming and receding.

I FINALLY reach the gas station at the corner of my street - CLOSED! But I'm close enough I can make it home. By now, I should mention, the PAIN is SO BAD that I'm screaming when it comes, and *heavily* sighing when it recedes, AND sweating like Patrick Ewing during a playoff game. I FINALLY make it home. I park the car. The PAIN comes again. It goes away - I'm in the CLEAR!...and then I get out of the car and stand up...EXPLOSION. A combination of Nagasaki and Niagara Falls - and I didn't give a damn. The RELIEF was SO GREAT that I just didn't give a damn...I ended up just taking my pants off and leaving them in the pouring rain and went inside...So that was my first experience with Amway - shitting myself in the middle of a deluge.

I STILL blame it on the cranberry juice.

--Matty