Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Legend of Bad Harry

One day a bad man came to town. Let’s call him Bad Harry who is a snake oil salesman.

Bad Harry was looking for sharp businessmen who could buy his very expensive snake oil, consume it, and find other people who could do the same. You find 6 people and they find 6 people and they find 6 people and so on and so on.

Bad Harry called it duplication. Others might call it an instant crowd - that is if the theory actually worked. It did look good on paper though to the adoring masses.

It was important to find more people below you that Bad Harry called the downline and you’d make money off their sales of snake oil. As long as you had people underneath you, you’d make money. Everyone would become rich!

The plan was a pyramid scheme. It was very important for the downline to try to scramble to the top of the pyramid.

They did this by spending lots of money buying snake oil.

Little did the downline realize all the only thing they were doing was making Bad Harry rich.

It was very difficult to claw their way up the pyramid.

Bad Harry kept brainwashing them with mantra that the higher up the pyramid you got, the more money you make.

But there were big sacrifices to make along the way. You had to spend a lot of money buying snake oil from Bad Harry's company even though other companies sell snake oil much cheaper.

It took many hours each week to try to sell snake oil and try to find other people to come to meetings and try to get them to sign up to sell snake oil. It became very clear that the downline were only making pennies an hour.

And most of the time they didn’t make any money at all. They usually lost more money than they made.
 Harry told the downline they must buy tools and this would be the path to helping them sell more snake oil and becoming rich.

The downline had to spend a lot of time with Bad Harry learning how to sell snake oil and how to sign up other people to sell snake oil that they had to miss family functions and parties.

Bad Harry told them not to worry because the other snake oil comrades would now become their new family.

If the downline thought it was hard scrambling up the pyramid they soon learned that its even more difficult living inside a pyramid.

Soon the only thing that consumed their thoughts was escaping the pyramid and getting away from this cult that was destroying their lives.

Especially why they looked outside the pyramid windows and saw everyone else enjoying their free time with their families and going on vacations and having fun.

Finally someone figured out the truth. Even though they might find a few customers to buy snake oil eventually these customers would go to another store where they could buy the snake oil for so much cheaper. The sad reality was customers were hard to find and even harder to keep around. Then they found out that the snake oil cost one tenth the price they were selling it for. Someone was getting rich and it was not the downline.

It was Bad Harry! He’d lied to them about how the snake oil was priced so high because it was much higher quality than its competitors. But snake oil is snake oil. People are going to go where they get a better deal. And the downline snake oil salespersons were going to quit because they couldn’t find any customers and because they couldn’t sign up any other snake oil salespeople.

What about those worthless tools? Motivational CDs telling the downline to never quit and they were all winners. The books that said one day someone was digging a ditch and the next day he was a millionaire snake oil salesperson. What about those speakers from the stage who said that everyone who didn’t buy snake oil was a loser. Those same speakers who said that everyone who quit didn’t try hard enough. They’d been brainwashed! Worse than that many of them had lost their life savings, taken on credit card debt to buy snake oil, lost their houses to foreclosure, declared bankruptcy, marriages ended in divorce, and families were destroyed.

All for the sake of overpriced snake oil!

The realization sunk in. Bad Harry was a thief!

Even worse than a thief Bad Harry was a cult leader!

Bad Harry must be lined up and shot before he could destroy any more lives.

Put a target on Bad Harry right where eveyone wants to shoot him!

They tossed Bad Harry’s body down a well and filled it with concrete so no one would ever find him.

 RIP Bad Harry. NOT!!!!

The End

Yes this is what one can come up with after a few pina coladas! Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend!


  1. Bad Harry then went on to face Saint Peter at the Golden Gate.
    "I'm a good Christian, Pete! A winner! Because I sold a lot of snake oil." said Harry. "I deserve to be at the top of heaven!"
    "Hmmm" pondered St. Peter. "It says here in the book that you pulled in a lot of people into your snake order 'business', and 99% of them didn't do well at all. Many had their finances, friendships and families destroyed."
    "Losers!", exclaimed Bad Harry. "Each and every one of them. They just didn't buy enough of my tools, they didn't buy enough snake oil, it was all their own fault. I'm blameless completely."
    "Well", said St. Peter, "You seem to think your snake oil plan is flawless and anyone is guaranteed to get to the top as long as they do it right."
    Bad Harry smiled a toothy grin. "Damn right! Anyone who doesn't make it, they just didn't have the dream."
    "All 99% of them?" questioned St. Peter.
    "Yep. I don't care if they say they bought snake oil until it came out of their ears, I don't care if they say they bought tons of tools or attended countless snake oil meetings and seminars all over the place (for a fee, of course). I don't care if they say they showed the snake oil to every human they laid eyes on. It's all their own fault. It's impossible for it ever to be my fault. I wrote the rules that way."
    St. Peter grew silent as if in deep thought. Then he smiled and looked over at Bad Harry.
    "You know", he chuckled, "You're right. Your snake oil 'plan' is flawless and the only way to get to the top."
    "Damn straight", crowed Bad Harry. "No other plan leads to success. Only mine."
    "Then who am I to argue with that?" said St. Peter. "In fact, starting now we here at heaven are going to put your plan to get to the top into effect for those who want to get to heaven."
    "Now you're talkin', Petey", grinned Bad Harry. "And as such, I can go straight to the top here."
    "Oh not so fast, Harry", barked St. Peter. "You have to start at the bottom of the pyramid. You can hardly expect to make it without lots of hard work and time."
    "Wha-what do you mean?" stuttered Bad Harry, the smile dropping off his face.
    St. Peter explained "We're going to drop you down to the very bottom. See it down there? It's kind of hard to see with all the smoke from the lakes of fire and dark, smelly pits. There you'll have to find folks... or more like demons... to get interested in joining the system. You might have to lie a bit or trick 'em, because they aren't too interested in heavenly pursuits."
    "How long is that going to take?" whimpered Bad Harry.
    "Oh, don't worry, Harry. I would put it at... oh, I don't know... 2 to 5 years. Give or take a millennium. But don't worry. We'll have lots of tools and help available to you. For a price. But don't you fret none. If you do it right, you'll be walking the beaches of heaven in no time at all. Never mind that 99% of people don't make it. But, hey, they were all losers that didn't have the dream. Right, Harry?"


  2. Ha ha! Dave that was very clever and very funny. Looks like you have a future in this!

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