Thursday, October 29, 2015
The AmwayTville Horror
Thanks to our guest poster with a Halloween appropriate tale!
I got it! I got it! The AmwayTville Horror is named after the Amityville Horror! LOL!!! I know the story so for anyone not familiar with the Amityville Horror, about 40 years ago a family of 6 was mass murdered in their home by another family member. A year after the murders a family purchased the home and experienced strange phenomena and they abandoned the house a month later. Was the story a hoax? A scam to make money?
Hoax? Scam? That has Amway written all over it!
In a town called AmwayTville evil creatures of the night congregate at 8pm at the fugly house to worship their cult leaders and hear their tales of greed. Amway Demons have lured unsuspecting victims into their lair with lies, promising sweet treats, good eats, and an open bar. After 11pm, after midnight, into the early morning hours the Amway Demons are learning how to suck money out of their victims. They’re learning how to destroy relationships of any cult followers who have family and friends who are not onboard with Amway. The cult leaders brainwash their followers: “People who are not in Amway are stupid. They’re broke losers. They’re negative. They’re dream stealers. Stay away from anyone not involved in Amway because they do not have your best interests in mind like we do. We love you.” The more tired the cult followers get, the easier it is to brainwash them. The Amway ghouls lead their followers into chants: “Buy more tools. Buy more Amway products. That is the secret to your financial freedom. FREEDOM! Flush that stinking job!”
For victims who ventured out into the moonless night into the grim dungeon of horrors of an Amway meeting in AmwayTville we’re caught in hell. No friends. No money. No hope. No future. Only despicable Amway Demons who want to destroy us. We’re in the fugly Amway house looking out the window into the dark night where a few stars twinkle in the sky. As unreachable and untouchable as the Amway promise of spending 10 to 15 hours a week for the next 2 to 5 years and handing over thousands of dollars of our money, and then we will (NOT!) be rewarded with residual income rolling in forever while we walk the beaches of the world and hang out with Diamonds on Peter Island.
Coyotes howl in the distance prowling the outskirts of AmwayTville. Even they’re scared shitless to get close to Amway Demons. Something smells really bad in the Amway prayer room. The unmistakeable stench of Amway Demon body odor. Guess the Amway deodorant is the shits. Amway Demons paid too much money for a product that can’t get the job done.
We want to leave but we can’t just get up and go and abandon the person we arrived with. Trapped! Finally the Amway cult leader shuts up and we can get out of this hell hole.
“Why are you leaving so soon?” An Amway Demon taunts us.
“Fuck you. It’s one in the morning. Not everyone keeps devil hours.”
The Amway Demon hisses and sneers: “Guess you got a J.O.B. to get to in the morning.”
There’s something about these Amway creatures of the night that makes you want to run and scream and hide. Turn the lights on! Get out of AmwayTville ! Get away from Amway Demons!
Amway Demons and their greedy goals. Amway Devils and their evil intentions of sucking money out of us. Sucking the life out of us. Someone needs to put a stake through the hearts of Amway Demons except that they don’t have hearts.
We try to escape and an Amway cult leader blocks the door and waves a registration form and screams at us to sign up to Amway.
“Where else can you get started in our own business for less than $100?” they taunt us.
NO! The Devil is after me! NO! It’s an Amway IBO from AmwayTville. Devil. Amway. Same thing. The Amway Devil from AmwayTville. Escape. Death would be better than to be stuck in AmwayTville.