The Amway IBO Guide to Wasting Time and Money Washing Dishes

Nobody likes doing dishes. Ambot does not like doing dishes at all. I swear if he was single he’d buy paper plates and plastic cutlery so he could throw them out after he’s done eating! So doing the dishes comes down to me. Big surprise. I bet every woman out there reading this knows what I’m talking about. And what about dishes that do not get put in the dishwasher? The family brings their dirty dishes into the kitchen and puts them in the sink or on the counter above the dishwasher. Why stop when you’re so close? Open up the dishwasher and put them in!

I didn’t always have the luxury of a dishwasher. I started washing the dishes when I was about 5 or 6 years old. I had to bring a chair to the sink so I could reach but I was doing dishes. When I was about 10 my parents got a dishwasher. Probably the first people in the neighborhood to get one of those newfangled devices! Though about 10 years later dishwashers were commonplace in most houses. Every house I’ve owned I’ve had a dishwasher though a couple of places I rented back in the 80’s didn’t have dishwashers and I washed by hand. One thing I learned when I was 10 years old is that not everything can go in the dishwasher. For example my parents good china had to be washed by hand. The silver had to be washed by hand. Crystal has to be washed by hand. Pots and pans that were too big had to be washed by hand. Suffice it to say I’ve had many years experience washing dishes by hand! I’ve also had many years experience of trying out dish soap for both the dishwasher and washing by hand. I know what works and what is a good price.

Enter Amway.

After we signed up the upline rushed around our house with rabid intensity informing Ambot he had all these illegal cleaning products in the house that had to be tossed and immediately replaced with “high quality” Amway products.

One of the items on the Amway mafia hit list was my dish soap and dishwasher soap to be replaced with Amway’s Dish Drops. Kind of a suitable name. I felt like dropping all my dishes after the shitty job the Amway soap did on them!

Here’s how it goes. Fill the dishwasher. Put in Amway’s dishwasher Dish Drops soap. Here its very important to note that we tried the dishwasher powder and the tablets. They both have the same results. Run the dishwasher through its cycle. Open the dishwasher to empty the dishes. First dish out. Dirty! Shit! I hate it when that happens. Cursing away turn the water on in the sink and pour in Amway’s Dish Drops soap. Put the still dirty dish into the sink while its filling with water. Pull another dish out of the dishwasher. Fuck! This one isn’t clean either! Put it in the sink with the other dishwasher reject. Pull a third dish out. Scrutinize this one real carefully. Looks OK. Put it in the cupboard. And so it goes. Half the dishes go in the sink to be washed a second time by hand. The sink is full so turn off the water. Note that Dish Drops is severely lacking in the bubble department. Pour in a little more dish soap and turn the water on again in a futile attempt to get more soap bubbles. Give it up! Next the cutlery. Shit! Dirty fork! Same story. Half go in the sink to be washed again and half are barely clean enough to be put in the drawer. Pull out the top shelf of the dishwasher where the glasses are. Fuck! Half of them are not clean but the sink is already full with dishwasher rejects so I have to put the glasses on the counter and wait their turn to get washed a second time. Making sure Ambot knows how pissed off I am about washing the dishes a second time by hand and punctuating washing the dishes by hand with a lot of shits and fucks from the kitchen I get them done. I have to keep putting more Dish Drops into the sink because the soap suds do not last. I am really pissed. I have never had this problem with any other dish soap.

Repeat over and over and over and over for the entire time we are stuck in Amway hell.

Finally our penance is over! I go to Walmart and buy Great Value dishwasher pucks and toss one in. When the load finishes I start to pull the dishes out the same way I did when we were using Amway dish soap, suspiciously giving them a good look over knowing half of them won’t be clean. But what is this? A clean dish! Victory! I put it on the shelf and give the next dish a good check over. Clean! Wow! I unload the entire dishwasher with not a single reject! This hasn’t happened since before we were in Amway. In fact it takes at least 2 weeks of running loads through the dishwasher before I got one dish that I had to wash again by hand.

Here’s my price comparison. Amway Legacy of Clean Dish Drops dishwasher tablets 60 in a box for $22.20. That’s .37 cents for each load of dishes that this soap can’t even get the job done and get them clean. I switched to Walmart Great Value dishwasher packs and there’s 85 in a box for $9.97. That’s .12 cents per tablet. As the name says: Great Value! I spend less money and less time washing the dishes a second time by hand after I switched away from Amway’s shitty dish soap!

What about the times I have to wash items by hand? Let me check the cost. Amway Legacy of Clean liquid dish soap in the 33.8 fl oz size costs $9.05. I hate this soap because the suds don’t last and I have to keep adding more soap or draining the sink and starting fresh. I couldn’t get a price on Walmart’s Great Value dish soap not without scrolling through over 1000 items when I did an online search and I didn’t think of looking when I was last in Walmart. I haven’t used it anyway. Couldn’t quite match the size but at Walmart they sell Dawn liquid dish soap in a 30 oz bottle for $4.47. Suds hold up the whole time I’m doing the dishes and it costs half of what Amway’s dish soap cost.

If I use Walmart’s reasonably priced high quality dish soap I save time and money. If I use Amway’s substandard overpriced dish soap I waste time and money.

This one’s a no brainer for me. No more shitty Amway dish soap! Great Value gets this dishes clean the first time around! Yay!

Walmart’s motto? Save money. Live better.

Amway’s motto? Lose money. Live worse.

The Amway IBO Guide to Wasting Money Doing Laundry

1. Always buy Amway laundry soap. Legacy of Clean SA8 3x concentrate costs $28.20. The usage rate is 100 uses per bottle and Amway’s recommended use is 7 uses per week. That means you’re doing laundry every day so don’t bitch about it! You run that fucking washing machine every day even if there’s only a couple of socks in it. The great Amway god says the quicker you run out of Amway laundry soap the sooner you can buy another expensive bottle.

Remember to bully everyone you know into buying Amway’s laundry soap. You need to learn to overcome their objections like there are lots of laundry detergent choices at Walmart’s. Why would anyone want to buy All Small & Mighty 3x concentrate that does 96 loads that costs $10.97 when they can spend more money for the same size of Amway’s Legacy of Clean. You need to bullshit your buyers into believing the reason they are spending 3 times more money for laundry soap is because Amway’s laundry soap is 3 times more concentrated and the high price reflects its high quality.

2. Wash in hot water. You’ll need to if you want any hope in hell of actually getting your clothes clean using Amway laundry soap. As for the environmental impact and the higher costs of running a laundry load at hot all the time - and remember Amway recommends all good little ambots do 7 loads of laundry a week so that’s at least daily - just remember the Amway IBO slogan - “who cares”.

3. Always use your dryer to dry your clothes. Who cares if other people are being environmentally friendly and saving money by line drying their clothes. The other benefit of using your dryer instead of hanging your clothes on the clothesline is that you can buy Amway Fabric Softener Sheets for the dryer 2 x 200 count boxes for $16.98. You want a good laugh on those ignoramuses using the clothesline? Amway also sells the sheets in a scent called “Outdoor Fresh” so there is no need to hang your clothes on a line and save energy and money! You know what ambots call people who are environmentally friendly and hang their clothes on a clothesline instead of using a dryer and Amway dryer sheets? Losers!

If any of your friends point out that Snuggle sells 200 count fabric sheets for $5.97 remember your old stand by response that the reason Amway products are so high priced is to reflect the high quality. Remember to look for someone who is dumb ass enough to stock up on 400 high quality sheets fabric sheets and tell them to toss several into the dryer at a time because if they did one sheet per load it would take them years to buy another box from you again and you probably will have quit Amway by then.

4. Use extra Amway laundry soap. Keep in mind that Amway’s laundry soap does not do that good a job of getting your clothes clean so its a good idea to overfill above the line on the cap when filling the detergent. The added benefit is you will also go through your laundry soap a whole lot faster and be able to buy more Amway laundry soap very soon and get that old PV BV up there!

5. If your washing machine dies you must buy a brand new washer AND dryer even if there is nothing wrong with the old dryer. Don’t even dare think about going to Charlie’s Discount Appliances Emporium! You must ask your Platinum’s permission before you buy a new washer and dryer and get the sack of shit’s advice on where to buy. The bastard will know somebody in another leg or crossline who can sell you a new washer and dryer. Don’t expect to get a good deal on your new machines. After all the IBO selling them must make a good commission so he can buy more Amway tools and grease the Platinum’s palm for the referral on the sale.

6. Do not waste money buying an energy efficient washer and dryer. Remember the Amway IBO attitude when it comes to conserving energy and being environmentally friendly and saving money - who cares!

Trade Show at Puryear Family Reunion 2011

Seeing as how I have such “fond” memories of the trade show at Family Reunion I thought I’d check the WWDB web page and see if there’s any mention of the kind of trade show treats that await the poor bastards going to the Amway WWDB Family Reunion in Boise Idaho in July 2011.

This year’s fakey trade show seems slightly different than the one I attended. They’re calling the Friday night trade show workshops and seminars. It sounds like it might be more or less the same thing as the trade show I went to. Booths and demos. Stingy demos judging by the dixie cup of Perfect Water and packet of one use Artistry face cream that we received.

How’s this for a way to kill a Friday night?

1. Learning about standing orders and digital delivery. Yeah right. I’d rather be learning this bullshit than attending a Friday night Rolling Stones concert.

2. Introducing the new WWDB app. Yeah sucks if you don’t have an iPhone. Expect the cult leaders to be riding their downline’s asses to buy new phones so they can buy this new app. More money flushed down the old Amway tool scam toilet!

3. Demonstrating how Legacy of Clean works. Here’s a news flash for those pompous Amway bastards. Most women learned how to operate a washing machine and dishwasher by the time they were twelve years old. Sorry guys this might have been a skill that took you a little longer to learn! We all know how to use laundry soap and dishwasher soap. We figured it out a long time ago. Through trial and error over the years we figured out which detergents do a good job of getting our clothes/dishes clean. We know the approximate prices of just about every soap out there because we’re good comparison shoppers. We know a good deal and will buy an extra one if its on sale. We all know that Amway’s soap is overpriced and there are better, less expensive options in the market. You can be pretty certain whoever is demonstrating this bullshit had to go to a lot of trouble to find maybe the one soap out there in the world that doesn’t clean as well as Amway.

4. Nutrilite Weight Management. Uh huh. Judging by some of the speakers who hit the stage we all see how good this product works! There’s about a 95% failure rate for people who try diets like this. Almost the same odds as the failure rate of people who don’t earn money in Amway. This is one company that loves to stack the odds against you and design their systems for failure!

5. Fast Track! Make money! Yeah, yeah! I’ve heard it all before! They were calling it Fast Track when we were in too!

6. Artistry will be there again doling out stingy sized sample packets. Avon is more generous with their samples. Less expensive. More variety. Need I say more? Artistry sucks!

So that tells me about 6 exhibitors/snake oil pitchers will be at the trade show. In my previous post I didn’t remember how many though I thought less than 10. We zipped through the trade fair in less than 20 minutes. This time they’re forcing “serious business builders” to stay a little longer by enticing them with “very important” seminars spaced out over a couple of hours. The seminars and demos start at various times between 6:30pm and 8:30pm. Don’t get your undies in a knot. Those seminars last about 5 minutes. There’s only so many ways you can bullshit about a lousy product.

There are more fun ways to spend a hot July weekend in Boise. Waterpark anyone?