I had a searcher come to my blog after googling “people springing Amway on them at dinner”.
Man that has got to suck!
So I imagined up a scenario about this nasty dinner surprise.
You’re at home one day and friends give you a call and invite you to dinner. You have no reason to suspect anything other than what it is a fun evening get together. Spending a few hours visiting friends, enjoying a meal and their company and afterwards maybe watch a movie, go for a walk, or do some other activity.
You arrive at your friend’s house. Things seem a little different than the last time you were there but you can’t just quite put your finger on it. There are pictures cut out of magazines that are stuck to the fridge: sports cars, the late Aaron Spelling’s mansion, the
Eiffel Tower, a cruise ship. Seems a little weird but whatever. There are little yellow sticky notes posted around the house with messages handwritten on them: dream, grow your business, become a millionaire in 2 to 5, jobs are for losers. Weirder and weirder. You go in to the bathroom to wash up for dinner and there’s a small soap dispenser called Body Series. You’ve never heard of the brand but soap is soap. You squirt some out on your hands and its a nasty yellow brown color that stinks. Yuck. But oh well. You wash your hands and dry them on a towel on the counter. Damned towel has fluffies that are coming off all over the place mostly on your wet hands. You stick your hands under the cold water to wash the fluffies off and wipe your hands off on your pants this time.
The host invites everyone to sit down at the dinner table and asks what you want to drink. Choices are water or energy drink. What the hell? Every time you get together with this couple the choices are usually wine or beer. You decide on water and the host produces a product called Perfect Water. He tells you about the health benefits of this miracle water: it cures blindness, it cures cancer, quadriplegics can walk again after drinking it. Host blabs about the powerfullness of this water stems from the fact that its been oxygenated 14 times. Seems bizarre. Surely once would suffice. You take a sip. Tastes like any water that might come out of the tap. Not bad but nothing exceptional about it either no matter how wonderful the host thinks it is.
And speaking of the host what has happened to your friends? They are being overly nice and polite tonight. She’s wearing a dress and he’s wearing a business suit. Uh what happened to a casual night out? They didn’t need to dress up on your account.
The hostess brings the dinner out of the kitchen. She’s a great cook and you wonder what it is tonight. Chicken and roast beef are her specialities served with little baby carrots on the side, asparagus, new potatoes, and cornbread She’s carrying a serving bowl. Inside is ---- macaroni and cheese? Hunh? Not even the nice homemade kind like mom used to make in the casserole with cheese she’d freshly grated and bread crumbs on top. This just looks like the nasty quick dinners that come out of a box with the cheese powder.
You take a bite and it tastes like shit. The macaroni is bland and the cheese powder mix has a sickly sweet taste to it that does not resemble cheese at all. Nasty! You force some in all the while wondering where the cornbread is. Or any bread. Anything to help push this meal down the throat. You wonder what went wrong with your friends because this is so unlike them. Perhaps they were running late tonight and they stopped quickly at the bargain basement shop and bought some of those ten cent boxes of expired macaroni and cheese. Gross! Definitely have to stop at McDonald’s on the way home for a burger because you’re refusing seconds and you’re famished. You count the minutes until you can politely leave all the while thinking your buddies are just having a bad day.
Hmm, maybe you can make up for it at dessert time. The hostess makes a delicious red velvet cake. Unfortunately that’s not what’s up for dessert tonight. She brings out a platter with four individually wrapped bars on it - one for each of you. Granola bars perhaps picked up at the bargain shack? Nope. The package says Nutrilite chocolate protein bars. Whatever. You’re famished after that nasty macaroni and cheese. You can eat anything chocolate. You rip the wrapper off and take a bite. Oh fuck! Nasty! The host is beaming at you and asks how you like it. You tell him. “Tastes like shit.” Oops he doesn’t look too thrilled at that review. “No seriously,” you tell him. “Don’t buy this one again its fucking gross.” You finish off the rest of the Perfect Water washing down that shitty food bar and trying to get the nasty taste out of your mouth.
Normally now is the time when you’d head into the rec room and watch a DVD but instead you want to leave and go out for junk food. The hosts aren’t making any move to get up from the table even though they’ve cleared the dinner plates away. The host tells you they’ve started their own business, Internet sales, and announces that everything you ate for dinner tonight can be purchased through their online store. Moreover the soap and towels you used in the bathroom can also be purchased through their online store.
All you can think is holy shit you’re going out of business real soon with shitty products like that! Instead you nod politely and wish them luck. They’ll need it!
But the host ain’t done. He says he’s looking to add a few sharp people to his leadership team and he whips out a brochure. You glance at it and realize you’ve seen this business plan before when you got tricked into going to a BBQ that was really an Amway event in disguise. “Hey that’s Amway!” The host covers his surprise. “No we’re World Wide Dream Builders but we do use Amway to move our products for us.”
You’re still suspicious but decide to play along. “Well I’m glad you’re not with Amway because its a pyramid scheme and you’re going to lose a lot of money.”
“You’re wrong,” says the host. “We’re going to retire in the next two to five years and have residual income rolling in for the rest of our lives. We’re going to be rich by working part time ten to fifteen hours a week in our spare time.”
“Well good luck with that,” you tell them again.
But the little devil is persistent and tries to show the plan again. “All you need to do is eat one food bar and drink one beverage each day and find 6 people who can do the same. Its easy.”
“If its so easy everyone would be doing it,” you point out. The host tries again to get you to look at his plan yapping about PV and BV and once again you tell him you’re not interested. He looks pissed. “You don’t want to be a loser working a job for the rest of your life do you? Don’t you want to get your wife free from her job so she never has a boss again?”
“Not interested in a pyramid scheme,” you tell him again while he argues that its not a scheme and some bullshit about a 1979 FTC ruling that you don’t care about it.
“Oh look at the time. We’ve got to leave.” You hustle out and go to McDonald’s for a better meal.
You try to invite your friends over for dinner a couple of weeks later but they turn you down. “Sorry we don’t associate with people who aren’t in Amway.”
And you don’t hear from your friends ever again.
The end.
